Great article from Dethroner.
• My lover and I enjoy role-play, but I’ve gotten tired of thesame cliché scenarios like student/teacher and boss/secretary. Anyrecommendations for new roles that might help spice it up?
I don’t know what system you’re playing, but “student/teacher” and“boss/secretary” do not sound like choices that would inspire one torole-playing greatness. Consider a classic like “cleric of the watcherfrom the depths/virgin” or “half-orc paladin/gelatinous cube.” Andremember, silken rope may be more expensive, but it’s nearly half theweight in encumbrance.
• I’ve been dating someone really great for a few months, buthe’s never referred to me as his girlfriend. How do I take it toanother Level?
While the obvious answer is “Accomplish a story task in theboyfriend track for XP equal or greater to your next level threshold,”I get the feeling you might be hinting that you want to descend intothe fetid labyrinth that festers beneath his ancient wizard’s tower. Inthat case the stairs are in quadrant M23, behind the Throne of theKobold Hetman.
• I’m into S&M and so is my lover, but we can’t afford tovisit a dungeon. How can we create a dungeon ambiance at home withoutgoing broke?
It’s been years since I’ve seen anyone playing that proto-system“Swords & Magic!” Kudos to your fine taste; And huzzah. Do notdiscount the scene-setting potential of ambient background noise. May Irecommend “Swords & Magic Scintillating Soundscapes: Volume IV:Bigby’s Blue Basement”? (Available on reel-to-reel and microcassette.)
• What’s more important: 18 Dexterity, or 18 Endurance (or 18 Charisma)?
Note: “Endurance” is, in D&D parlance, “Constitution.” I mean duh!
Depending on your chosen character class, any could important. Ahigh charisma makes it dead simple to lure lusty tavern wenches up toyour three-copper mat of straw. (Hint: Use clean straw for that specialsomeone!) A high Constitution allows one to produce up to 1d3+1draughts of seminal fluid per round, ensuring a high success percentageon any procreation rolls. I have heard — and ye be tellin’ no man n’erbeast from whence this knowledge sprang — that a high Dex gives one theability to give pleasure to others. I suspect it’s an urban arcanum legend.
• I think nerdy women are hot. Where and how do I meet them?
Where? 1. DragonCon 2. WyrmCon 3. WyvernCon 4. TiamatCon 5. The Texas Instruments Graphing Calculator Showroom.
How? I recommend telephoto lens, at least 300mm.
• My girlfriend is older and more experienced than me. What can I do to impress her in bed?
Ah ha! Clearly you are looking for Feats, introduced in the ThirdEdition ruleset, which offer a variety of abilities that can be used toimpress or distract your opponent. Consider: “Acrobatic,” “Alertness,”“Animal Affinity,” “Armor Proficiency (Medium),” and “Athletic.” (Andthat’s just from the As!)
See also: “Blind-Fight,” “Cleave,” “Craft Rod,” “Deflect Arrows,”“Enlarge Spell,” “Extend Spell,” “Greater Two-Weapon Fighting,” “IronWill,” “Mounted Combat,” “Rapid Reload,” or “Shot on the Run.”(Actually, pretty much all the Feats are gold.)
• What skills do D&D players have that can be applied to sex?
I can open a two-liter of Mountain Dew with the armored ridge of my taint. ’nuff said.
• Is it possible to have sex with someone if you don’t respect their character?
No. If you can’t pretend to respect the person they pretend to be,how can they expect you to pretend to respect the person they are? Askthem to re-roll.
• I am a 27-year old virgin. It’s not that I’m unattractive ortotally uncool, I just never found anyone I really wanted. But now I’mready. Where should I go to lose my virginity in a really memorable way?
Chuck, you asshole. It’s one thing to miss the game but you were onBurrito Supreme duty. Get thee over to my place tomorrow and we’ll do asolo adventure that should satisfy your curiosity. Bring your latexdice bag.
• I have a medieval costume fetish. How do I interest a partner in this?
Easy as regenerating a limb with troll’s blood! Are you a woman?Simply dress up in a bikini, link together a few pop can tabs intosomething resembling chain mail, and drape your “armor” over yourcrotch or breasts.
Are you a man? Oh, fucking forget about it. You can call it your“Wand of Wonder” all you like but she’s still going to laugh at yourcape.
• My last lover cheated on me. How can I learn to trust again?
Experience is a harsh mistress. Or wait, no, Xytherias of Calmodorn is a harsh mistress. XP is just a bitch.
